Bear with me
*Waking up in an unfamiliar room with your feet tucked in sheets that don't feel like yours. You can't tell whether the pit in your stomach is from fear or hunger, it's probably both. My skin crawls as I think about last night and what I am supposed to do with tomorrow.*
Running from the unexplainable, and chasing the unknown
Running and chasing. Running and chasing. It is basically the same thing, but from the inverted view. You've spent all your time thus far running from something that exists purely within your brian; it's impossible to outrun emotions, but oh boy do we try.
We are so fearful of falling behind and getting stuck in the quicksand that is emotional turmoil, but the feeling of uncertainty that sits ahead of me, of us, is daunting. It makes me nauseous. The fear of jumping forward into the abyss, crossing your fingers that you'll land on your feet, or the naive feeling of hope that maybe you'll be lucky enough to have someone catch you, is extremely unsettling.
Sometimes, we beg for a break, a minute to breathe, a moment of silence, but the duality that exists within silence is quite damaging.
Part one: your brain has space to wander, and maybe if you have a healthy brain, you might discover the beauties of the world, but for others, i.e. me, it opens a door to overthinking and a window to spiraling.
Part two: you are wrapped by a sense of safety and serenity; it is at its strongest when your feet are in murky lake water and you have dirt under your fingernails.
Sometimes, I want to break the silence with my screams; whether it's to escape the painful brain wander or to destroy the beauty, screaming always feels good.
However, the one thing that never fails to silence the brain is the feeling of a floating soul. Whether you're drunk, sober, high, or just mentally unwell, feeling the trembling bass move through your bones as the twinkles of jazz run across your skin and in the loudest moments, for once, we can feel silence inside of us rather than surrounding.
Life is changing without my permission. I am terrified to stay in place but simultaneously petrified of the future.
But, I’m not afraid of death.
Is it scary? Yes. Am I ready for it? No.
But I have come to terms with it.
The only aspect of life that makes us equal is our mortality. It is the eternal silence.
Bodies and minds are constantly changing; some say that bodies are just cages of skin that house souls (which is the most vital part). I never liked that saying, it's kinda gross if you think about it. I have never been satisfied, always chasing a higher pleasure, a stronger desire, or a sense of accomplishment if I ever happen to get the change I want. It gives me something to yearn for, obsess over. These feelings are what keeps my feet running.
*I have to sleep in that room again tonight; it makes my skin crawl ever so slightly. I need to do my laundry and wash my sheets, hopefully they’ll feel like mine again. Maybe I’ll eat a snack, and then I can knock out hunger as a reason for the pit in my stomach.*April 2025